Fears..

I realized that basically all of my life I never was afraid of anything until now. Most kids had nightmares from scary movies, or may have thought there were monsters under their beds, or maybe were afraid of spiders..but not me. I never slept with a blanky...never slept with a stuffed animal...I just wasnt afraid. Now, I find myself with a lot of fears and anxiety..and I guess that's just part of growing up. All of my life I have worked really hard to get what I want...and have most of the time always succeeded..but now I feel like I have been working so hard and not going anywhere. I can sub at various schools and districts and do my absolute best..and still not get a job. I feel like this time moving out East holds a lot of pressure. I feel like if I don't get a job somewhere this Fall....then I've failed at the one thing I have vowed to never fail at. I really don't know how to deal with that kind of pressure and weight on my shoulders. I also fear of becoming completely detached from people that are so involved in my life today....or just always being alone in life. I fear certain conversations that will arise within the next 48 hours....and tyically talking is something I never fear! Go figure. It's just ironic how life comes full circle. I just sometimes wish I could predict my future and see what all the trouble and heart ache is for...and why I keep trying so hard.

Frustration

Man oh man...frustration is the sole adjective to describe everything right now. My frustration ranges from being bored due to the lack of subbing/tutoring and being stuck in the house by myself for days at a time, to not having enough time to accomplish everything I want too before I go out East for a while, to the Steelers actually losing to the worst teams in the NFL (Raiders, Browns, Chiefs)..to basically a lot of things. I am just constantly frustrated, disappointed, and filled with dread. I feel like the past few weeks have just been downright terrible...and I'm ready for the terribleness to end. I feel like I am NEVER going to get a job and that is just the worst feeling ever..and I find it really hard to be happy for others when things are go right for them. This makes me feel terrible...truly terrible..because I have never had trouble being happy for people in the past...and I hope I can just get over it and be happy for my friends again. They have such new and exciting things going for them...and I have nothing going for me...same old story. I'll just have to pray about it and hope for the best. On another note...how about the Tiger Woods scandal? I believe the mistress count is now up to 11, how did his wife totally not pick up on that. I'm convinced she knew the whole time...cause seriously..Tiger was not at all smooth. It's just really disappointing anyhow though cause I actually believed he was a good guy. It's digusting and I can't believe he cheated with sooo many people....I guess he never stopped to take a look at his own wife..cause umm...she's beautiful!! Anyhow...I'm about to enjoy a delightful end to my terrible terrible week by hanging with the greatest people on this part of the state. Chocolateworld here I come!! :-)