Fears..

I realized that basically all of my life I never was afraid of anything until now. Most kids had nightmares from scary movies, or may have thought there were monsters under their beds, or maybe were afraid of spiders..but not me. I never slept with a blanky...never slept with a stuffed animal...I just wasnt afraid. Now, I find myself with a lot of fears and anxiety..and I guess that's just part of growing up. All of my life I have worked really hard to get what I want...and have most of the time always succeeded..but now I feel like I have been working so hard and not going anywhere. I can sub at various schools and districts and do my absolute best..and still not get a job. I feel like this time moving out East holds a lot of pressure. I feel like if I don't get a job somewhere this Fall....then I've failed at the one thing I have vowed to never fail at. I really don't know how to deal with that kind of pressure and weight on my shoulders. I also fear of becoming completely detached from people that are so involved in my life today....or just always being alone in life. I fear certain conversations that will arise within the next 48 hours....and tyically talking is something I never fear! Go figure. It's just ironic how life comes full circle. I just sometimes wish I could predict my future and see what all the trouble and heart ache is for...and why I keep trying so hard.

Frustration

Man oh man...frustration is the sole adjective to describe everything right now. My frustration ranges from being bored due to the lack of subbing/tutoring and being stuck in the house by myself for days at a time, to not having enough time to accomplish everything I want too before I go out East for a while, to the Steelers actually losing to the worst teams in the NFL (Raiders, Browns, Chiefs)..to basically a lot of things. I am just constantly frustrated, disappointed, and filled with dread. I feel like the past few weeks have just been downright terrible...and I'm ready for the terribleness to end. I feel like I am NEVER going to get a job and that is just the worst feeling ever..and I find it really hard to be happy for others when things are go right for them. This makes me feel terrible...truly terrible..because I have never had trouble being happy for people in the past...and I hope I can just get over it and be happy for my friends again. They have such new and exciting things going for them...and I have nothing going for me...same old story. I'll just have to pray about it and hope for the best. On another note...how about the Tiger Woods scandal? I believe the mistress count is now up to 11, how did his wife totally not pick up on that. I'm convinced she knew the whole time...cause seriously..Tiger was not at all smooth. It's just really disappointing anyhow though cause I actually believed he was a good guy. It's digusting and I can't believe he cheated with sooo many people....I guess he never stopped to take a look at his own wife..cause umm...she's beautiful!! Anyhow...I'm about to enjoy a delightful end to my terrible terrible week by hanging with the greatest people on this part of the state. Chocolateworld here I come!! :-)

Reciprocation

Reciprocation is the one thing I have never achieved in my almost 23 years of life. Whether it's from a friendship stand point, relationship stand point, or any stand point. I guess I have always been the type of person who puts 100% into every relationship I have, unless I find reason not too. Part of it's my fault....I let myself be the doormat and let the people that are my friends to bail on me, hurt my feelings and whatever...instead of standing up and being like enough. It is also the media's fault as well...they make people like me truly believe that there is someone out there (other than God of your family members) who will put you first, who will find you to be extremely important in their life, and not just their back up. Girls are the worst....they are your close pals..but soon as a guy enters the picture...you are on the back burner by default. I would like to believe that I wouldnt do that to my friends...regardless if I was dating anyone or not...but I don't know...becuase I have never dated anyone who remotely reciprocated my feelings. Even as the girl friend, I was always on the back burner. Sometimes I wonder if some people are only meant for that...and never meant to get beyond that. Maybe some individuals like myself can never come first to anyone, and it's just something that we need to get over..and stop letting the media or books make us believe otherwise. I really wish sometimes I could get over it....I just don't know how.

a large plate.

I feel lately that I have a lot of on my plate. I have this overwhelming dread that I have to face coming up here at the end of December...but I keep telling myself it's a necessary evil.. I also feel pressured that I need to get a job this fall pronto..or else I dont know how I will fullfill the requirements established by the Dept. of Edu....I'd have no problem doing the 24 credits in 6 years, or the Act 48 stuff..it's the other stuff that you cant fulfill unless you HAVE A JOB!!! Sometimes I wish I had more to distract myself with so I dont focus on all that I dread...but until that's over with...my mind and energy is consumed. On a happier note, I get to quit tutoring soon enough here..Thank goodness for that...becuase I HATE IT.

Trip down memory lane.

So my Tio and Tia, who basically are adopted grandparents have known my father since he was 9. Since then, they have saved all cards, pictures, letters and recently gave them to us when they moved into a retirement community. They did this for all of my dad's 7 siblings and my grandparents, extremely impressive. I recently found the packet addressed to my dad. It was really interesting to see the letters that my dad wrote to them when he was in college, and in dating my mom. It also was interesting to read letters from my Mom to them...when Lindsay wasnt born, and then her telling her about Lindsay, to when I was born..and so on. The best was a thank you card I wrote to them..I don't know how old I was. It seriously made me laugh. I also found an old Christmas letter than my parents sent out during our 2nd to last year living on Martha Ave....I added a little blurb about myself which made me laugh hysterically...I was in 5th grade at the time and basically complained how I had to play with 4th graders. You had to read it to be amused. It was just really neat to get a perspective and to see how involved this beloved couple was not only in my life, but to my parents as well. Tio and Tia are now in their mid-80s...I just hope they know how important they are to all our lives. It just reminds me how I need to do a better job letting the people in my life know that I appreciate them....you just never know where life will take you.

Halloween Hater

I dont like Halloween and I never have. I don't get a thrill out of dressing up in costumes and going to parties that usually arent a lot of fun. The costume thing is too much effort for one night. I don't like how girls use it as a time to dress like slores ...guess what...it's not ok to be a slore on Halloween. Another reason I dislike Halloween....there isnt much for people to do unless you are young and can trick or treat (which I did not really like as a child anyway) or if you are older and party. If you aren't a party person (like myself)...then this holiday is completely worthless to you. The only thing good thing that comes of it is the fun Fright farms..and Pumpkin Spice Lattes at starbucks...who cares about the rest! Halloween is almost as pointless to me as Thanksgiving..but at least Thanksgiving gives you a mini break from school and work, and has football games during the weekend. Halloween has nothing to offer!

Being Ill...

I've been a little ill over the past week, so I have not done much of anything except a lot of thinking..which for me sometimes can be dangerous. I was thinking of all the perquacky quarks about people that make people themselves...and I thought about all of my quarks.

-Like I have to sleep with socks on, if they fall off in the middle of the night, I'll wake up and search til they are found.
-I'm obsessed with time, so much that I wake up several times during the night to check the time to make sure that I did not sleep through my alarm (even though this has NEVER happened to me ever) or that I did remember to set my alarm.
-I love when little kids fall..I crack up hysterically.
-I have a problem with different textures, I hate using chalk and I hate nail files or anything of that nature.
- I can't have things mixed together, like on my plate....my food cannot mix or touch each other.
-Things that are meant to be hot must be hot, things meant to be cold must be cold...or I will not touch them. I don't eat/drink anything luke warm.
-I am a water snob...yes there is such thing



I thought of various other ones last night as I was trying to sleep and seemed to have forgotten them...don't worry they will come to me!

A Beautiful Mess...

I love Jason Mraz..and this is why...he totally gets my life!! lol.

You've got the best of both worlds
You're the kind of girl who can take down a man, And lift him back up again
You are strong but you're needy, Humble but you're greedy
And based on your body language, And shoddy cursive I've been reading
Your style is quite selective, Though your mind is rather reckless
Well I guess it just suggestsT
hat this is just what happiness is
And what a beautiful mess this is
It's like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
Kind of turn themselves into knives
And don't mind my nerve you could call it fiction
But I like being submerged in your contradictions dear'
Cause here we are, here we are
Although you were biased I love your advice
Your comebacks they're quick
And probably have to do with your insecurities
There's no shame in being crazy, Depending on how you take theseWords
I'm paraphrasing this relationship we're staging
And what a beautiful mess this is
It's like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say
Kind of turn themselves into blades
And kind and courteous is a life I've heard
But it's nice to say that we played in the dirt oh dear
Cause here we are, Here we areHere we are [x7]
We're still hereWhat a beautiful mess this is
It's like taking a guess when the only answer is yes

Through timeless words, and priceless pictures
We'll fly like birds, out of this earth
And times they turn, and hearts disfigure
But that's no concern when we're wounded together
And we tore our dresses, and stained our shirts
But it's nice today, oh the wait was so worth it.

The song is about a girl, a total bitch on the outside...very cold...comes off as very strong willed..it really initmidates a lot of guys....and scares them away...all except for one. This guy realizes this girl is kinda crazy...but he also recognizes that it's just a front..and deep inside she's just lovely. So he sticks with her...finds her truely special despite the fact that her crazyness sometimes flaws the relationship, and finds her so worth the time. Do guys like this really exist? NO! I am living proof of that.

Ranting....

I HATE that nothing goes accordingly in my life. It's seriously the biggest streak of bad luck ever. I HATE that there's no escape..and that it continues to crush my soul. I hate how bitter it has made me, I hate that I've truly become such a cold person. I am just constanly being sucked into a black hole and I'm trapped. I hate how I'm just as helpless as the people around me are....I just have to wonder...when's it my turn? When is it my break? Or maybe it will never happen...and I will be forever trapped and miserable. I find that I really ..and I mean REALLY struggle to see any of the positives in my life. Seriously...are there any? Most of all....I hate that for some reason..I hang on to a tiny shred of hope..and I let it control my thoughts, my mind, and ultimately bring me down....because it's all for nothing. I will never mean as much as I want to mean...the value will never be mutual...and as long as that's in my life..I will never be free. I wish it was something as I could cut the ties..all of them. I can't....I've tried for years....I just let it haunt me and dictate my life. Somebody free me please.....because I don't know how.

Sometimes...

Sometimes I wish/hope a lot of things...here are some of them:

-I sometimes wish that I could let the things that haunt me from my past go...
-I sometimes wish that I was a better or nicer person.
-Sometimes I wish that I was not such a guarded person..and I can just break the wall down and truely let people get to know me.
-Sometimes I wish I was closer with people, siblings, cousins.
-Sometimes I wish I could get over my fears, and allow myself to ignore some reservations I have.
-I wish sometimes that I was smarter.
-Sometimes I wish I had more of a filter..so I dont offend people when I don't mean too.
-Sometimes I wish I could let people know just how much I do appreciate them...before it's too late.
-Sometimes I wish I could fly...only because it sounds way cool.
-Sometimes I wish that I would do a better job keeping in touch with people.
-Sometimes I wish that at times that I wouldnt let people use me or walk all over me as much.

See I wasn't kidding... I have a lot of "sometimes."

Last Top 10 List for a while..

Ok..I promise this is the last of my top ten lists for a while!

Why Today Rocked:
1.) Did not sub....and I got to sleep in a little!
2.) Richard Simmons...enough said!
3.) $5 dollar movie at the Waterfront
4.) 6 snacks (between 2 people) $6..thanks to the dollar store!
5.) Smuggling our snacks/drinks in Abbie's Mary Poppins purse into the theater!
6.) Conversation about a guy with all windows and sunroof down on the way to the water front...it's really cold outside today if you did not know!
7.) Abbie burping ridicously loud at the theater and watching this girl's appalled facial expression...priceless!!
8.) Pumpkin Spice Lattes at Starbucks
9.) Me quoting songs in everyday conversation....it doesnt take much to amuse me
10.) Me being too sore to walk correectly.....it was just funny to witness

Top 10 Lists Continued

Why Teaching Suits Me:
1.) I love children.....I mean that in a not so creepy way. Lets just say of all the cousins I have...I'm closest to the younger ones....I love the fact that they love you no matter what.
2.) Summers off...self explanatory!
3.) Breaks/2 hr delays/Snow Days- What other profession benefits from these days that save your sanity!
4.) Creativity- I can pretty much be as creative as I want to be....as long as I'm teaching what the kids need to know
5.) Everyday is different- no 2 days are alike..you are always teaching/doing different things, and kids behave differntly on a day-to-day basis.
6.) Rewarding- The job is always rewarding...whether your class grasps a concept that you have been drilling religiously, or little Johnny who cant ever count money FINALLY gets it!!
7.) Up and Moving- Its not a desk job where you sit the entire day, you are up, walking around, dancing...acting like a goofball...it's great! I get bored too easily otherwise...
8.) One of the only professions in which you are multiple things...for example..on a daily basis I am a teacher, doctor, psychologist, parent, friend, enemy (maybe to some kids but I'd surely hope not), actor, author, etc. It's fun!
9.) Kids say the funniest things!!! and they draw you hilarious pictures to hang up in your room!
10.) Benefits--they are amazing!

Top 10 Lists

So I'm typically not the "blogging" type....but I'm very bored..so I figured why not? Besides, sometimes I just have so much insight to share with the world...might as well go for it. As for right now, I've created several top lists pertaining to my life.

1.) Top Reasons Why Working in Central/East PA Would Rock My Socks:
1.) The Weather...it's always warmer, more sunny...and come winter...closings and delays for virtually no snow...basically because people freak out and don't know how to deal with what they aren't used too.
2.) Friends...I get to see college friends that I'm reallly close too and sometimes feel like they know me better than myself way more often...the good times would be rolling.
3.) Things to Do: THere's philly, hershey, harrisburg, york, lancaster, gettysburg....all in a short drive!! Around here...there is not much to do..plus there is so much history out that way...I like history actually...who knew?
4.) Beach- I would be way closer to the beach for those summers as a teacher that I have off...I can go visit!
5.) Cousins- I am super tight with my best buddies Jack, Maddie and Nina, and I'd get to visit them more, watch them grow up, and have them over for sleep overs and continue my role as being surrogate older sister.
6.) Highways/Traffic- other than I-83..pretty much all highways are enjoyable to drive on...they are smooth, fairly straight...and rarely lots of construction or traffic that you find on I-79/I-279 and the city of Pittsburgh all the freakin time.
7.) Shopping- I dont like to shop..but if I ever did decide that I liked it....I have sooo many options to choose from...again..way more than here.
8.) Eagles Fans- I would be amused 24-7 with picking on the eagles and even ravens fans for that matter...too much fun...I miss hearing doors slam like I did at college.
9.) Teaching jobs pay more there....out here I make nothing!! and I'd make almost 5,000-10,000 less out here than I would out there.
10.) Being out of the house...dont get me wrong, love my parents and siblings dearly...but I yearn for independence....I would love to just be free.

Top 10 Reasons Why It would be bad to live out Central PA/East:
1.) Family- parents, sisters are here. I would have to travel 3 hours plus depending where I live just to visit and/or holidays...that's wear and tear on Malcolm who is already old.
2.) Friends- There are four individuals (they know who they are) who make living in Cranberry bareable....as they make me not want to kill myself on a regular basis..oh yeah and they make me laugh!
3.) Cost of Living- yes I get paid more to teach out there, and subbing...but that's because it's more expensive to live out there than here...go figure
4.) Winter....it gets cold (which I hate)..but at the same time..I love snow....for snowball fights, skiing, etc....there arent really any good places close by to ski and they hardly get any snow ..or at least enough to do much with...I actually miss that.
5.) Hospitals- Pittsburgh area has the best hospitals incase somoething happens to ya, they are known worldwide....out the way I'd like to live...not sure if I'd trust Harrisburg.
6.) Steelers- I wouldnt always get the Steelers games and I would indeed be outnumbered by Philly fans.
7.) Culture- I sadly would probably start saying things like soda, and subs, and whoopie pies...sad sad..I like W. PA lingo!
8.) Kennywood-...yeah I would have hersheypark at my disposal..but no amusement park is like K-wood, it's a classic.
9.) I-83....this highway is a nightmare...and depending where I live...may have to endure it's hell every single day..eeeeek
10.) Anti-Catholicism- yes..I am not the most devote Catholic, and I dont agree with everything the Catholic church does..however..I dont appreciate people slammming it, telling me I'm damned, and that I worship Mary. Not cool yo.